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Churches That Abuse A personal testimony By Robert Dietrich



About two years after I became a Christian, I was standing watch in SONAR Control on my second ship. The ship was in a watch condition that only required two people to be on watch at a time. The man that I was standing watch with, I’ll call him Bill, told me that he used to go to church when he was younger, but stopped going when he was about 12. When I asked him why, he told me his story. Bill’s father was involved with organized crime, was a single father and was a very hard man. Bill told me that his father never abused him, but when Bill was about six his father got the boy’s toys together and put them in a box. He said, “Bill, you’re a man now. It’s time to put childish things away.” They took the box of toys outside, Bill’s dad threw the box into a 55 gallon drum and set them on fire. Bill was required to get a paper route and contribute to the family. Bill had a rough childhood. But then something changed. An evangelist came to town and had an old fashioned tent meeting. His preaching had an effect on Bill’s dad who made a profession of faith and life for Bill and his family changed. Bill began to experience life as a child again. He was able to actually play with kids his age and own toys. They went to church every Sunday. Bill said that for the next four years, life for him was a like a Norman Rockwell painting. Bill was at an age where he began to pay attention to what the adults were saying and comparing it to what they were doing. One of the examples he gave me was that one of the deacons in his church was a barber. Bill’s family only went to that barber. Bill noticed over time that the deacon would finish with a patron, clean the floor, disappear into the office for a couple of minutes and then come out and call the next person. After watching this for a couple of years, Bill got curious about what happened in the office. So one day, Bill went into the barber shop and noticing it was busy, took a number and sat toward the office. When the deacon finished with one patron, Bill pretended like he was going to the restroom. When he heard the deacon come out of the office, Bill came out of the restroom and went into the office. The pastor of the church they had been attending was a teetotaler and preached against alcohol on a regular basis. The deacon would always shout “amen,” and yet there on his desk was a small bottle of vodka. Sitting on the corner of the desk was the latest issue of a popular pornographic magazine. Bill told me many other stories like that about his church and the members. His dad, he said, either didn’t know what was going on or pretended not to know. But that all changed when Bill was 12. One Sunday morning, Bill and his family showed up to church and the pastor was not there. Nobody knew where he was. The service went on as normal and the assistant pastor preached. That afternoon, after many calls and searching, it was discovered that the pastor of the church had been carrying on an affair with his secretary and ran away with her.



Bill and his family never returned to church ever again. Bill asked me, “Isn’t Jesus supposed to change lives? Isn’t he supposed to change his people to not do that? Obviously, either the gospel doesn’t work or God doesn’t exist.” I was still too young as a Christian to have a good answer for him. I wanted to say something like, “well that pastor and your deacon obviously weren’t Christians. They made a false profession and that’s why they were the way they were.” But that didn’t seem like the right answer and even if I believed it (which I kind of maybe did at the time), the answer didn’t seem helpful. I did say something to the effect of, “You shouldn’t allow the actions of other people affect your relationship with God.” While not a complete answer, it was good enough and better than what I actually believed at the time. Then Bill said, “Well, you weren’t there and you haven’t been through what I went through. If you had experienced something like that, you wouldn’t still be a Christian. If you had been through something like that and were still a Christian, maybe I would listen to you then.” What else could I say? I know many other answers to that now. There are some examples of people who have been through much worse and honestly, at the end of the day, it wasn’t his mother the pastor ran away with. His father wasn’t the cheating pastor or the drinking, perverted deacon. He hadn’t really experienced any real trials or persecution. But I don’t think that telling him that would have changed his mind. But it left me with this question: “What would I do in that situation? What if my pastor cheated on his wife? What if…?” Life is filled with what ifs. I prayed, read the Bible and meditated on what I read. Do you know what I found? The Bible is replete with stories of men and women who made mistakes because of fear or temptation, but still found grace with God. Noah got drunk. Abraham lied about being married to Sarah. Isaac lied about being married to Rebekah. Jacob lied to Isaac and convinced him he was his brother Esau. Jacob’s sons were an unruly bunch. They sold their second youngest brother into slavery and told Jacob he was dead. Judah (an ancestor of Jesus) committed adultery with his daughter-in-law because he thought she was a prostitute. They were a mess. Moses was fearful of man and later developed anger problems. Aaron was one of the first to cast off the worship of Jehovah and became the high priest of the golden calf. Miriam was a racist who got mad at Moses for marrying a black woman. If you get a chance, read Hebrews 11. This chapter is often called the Hall of faith. It records some of the amazing things that each of the people recorded did. But if you do a character study on each of



these people, you will find that with the exception of Abel and Enoch, every other person made some pretty bad mistakes in their lives. I bet if we had a better record of Abel and Enoch, we would see these guys had a few skeletons in their closets too. The point is that God’s people make mistakes. Bad mistakes. Earth shattering, life changing and sometimes life-ending mistakes. King David is a good example of that. In 2 Samuel 11, we read about how David committed adultery with Bathsheba. When he found out that she had gotten pregnant because of their affair, David tried to cover up the affair. When that didn’t work, he had Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah murdered. That’s right. King David. The same guy who was called “a man after God’s own heart.” These are all just a few examples. Many, many more could be made. But in all these cases and many more, the repentant sinner found grace and forgiveness with God. To me, the lesson was that good people make mistakes. Even people that God has chosen and specially prepared to do his work, make mistakes. Sometimes they make BIG mistakes. But did God make the mistake? No, the person made the mistake. So in the end, it wasn’t God, Christ or the church that should be blamed, but the person or people who made the mistake. Having learned that lesson, I determined that I would never put man on a pedestal. Not an experienced Christian, not a deacon, not an evangelist and not a pastor. That would be an almost perfect example of idol worship. I would only put Christ on a pedestal. I felt that if I placed God in His rightful place, that when a man I admired ever fell, my faith wouldn’t fall with him. I told my wife about what I had learned and shared with her my conviction about putting God and man in their proper places. She agreed with me. The unintended consequence of putting God on His throne and letting God be God was that I began to examine everything that I was being taught in light of scripture. I found that when I got into disagreements with people at church regarding certain issues – usually unbiblical standards or legalistic issues – many members would say, “Well, pastor says…” and I would respond, “Well, the Bible says…” and I still do that to this day. As I studied the life of Christ, I found that He did exactly the same thing. There were always controversies and the lawyers, Pharisees, Sadducees and even some of the people were always trying to get him to take sides or trip him up. The lawyers would say, “Well the Pharisees say this and the Sadducees say that, which is correct?” Jesus would answer and say, “Have you not read…?” and point them to the scripture. In other words, it doesn’t matter what man says, no matter how learned he may be. If what man says disagrees with the Bible, according to the Bible, man is wrong. Not putting my pastor on a pedestal became very important just two years or so after the conversation I had with Bill. I said that I hoped I would never have to go through what he did, but I did go through a very similar experience. The summer before I joined the church, the church had called new pastor. When I first attended that church, they regularly ran about 150 people on Sunday mornings. It may have been more. Not long after we joined, I noticed a sudden drop in attendance. I was still a baby Christian and brand new at the church too, so I didn’t know what to think. Jump forward a few years and I find out that the pastor is diverting money from missionaries to pay for repairs to the church. The way the church constitution was written made it ok for him to make those unilateral decisions. So at face value, there shouldn’t have been any problem. The problem was that the



pastor was making a lot of unnecessary expenses and cutting missionaries. Not just cutting their support, just cutting them off altogether. Not once did he come to the church with this. Not even a business meeting or a vote or a look at how to mitigate the expenses. He was making decisions that could have affected the church long after he was gone. I went to the pastor to talk to him about it and he refused to answer questions, but rather deferred me to two other men in the church. They not only admitted that this was happening, but they brought up another issue. It turns out that the pastor had also stolen $35,000 from the church and these two men called for the church to excuse him of the theft because it was somehow the church’s fault! That’s when all the people started to leave. The faction of people who remained did so because they felt that they were somehow responsible for the pastor’s theft! Not a healthy situation to be in. I will say this, though: This is not uncommon. There are churches all over the world that lift their pastor so high that they will overlook him actually breaking the law. This mentality comes from a heretical (yes, I use the word “heresy” even if it hurts somebody’s feelings or someone thinks it’s old fashioned) misapplication of 1 Chronicles 16:22 and Psalm 105:15 both of which say, “Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.” The belief is that there is such a separation between the clergy and the laity (non-clergy) that if the non-clergy rebukes or criticizes the clergy for any reason, even if it is justified criticism, they face the wrath of God. It’s just not true. In churches where this is practiced, pastors are often not accountable to anyone and are often not held accountable for any wrongdoing. In churches where this is practiced, the pastor holds absolute authority and not only can he not be questioned, he must be obeyed. Anyone who questions or criticizes the pastor, even justifiably, can face ostracism from the congregation as well as from like churches in the area. But for every bad church, there are many more good churches where the pastor sees himself as he should – a man, prone to error, chosen for whatever reason to serve God by serving the members of a local church. That’s another sign of a healthy church – the pastor seeing himself as a servant of his members, not the members as his servants. Well, to make a long story possibly longer, I left the church. I could not, in good conscience, continue to go to a church where the leadership will not hold a thief accountable for his theft. I could not, in good conscience, continue to go to a church where the thief in question was the pastor. I faced the first major test of my Christian faith. I knew it was coming. I had seen what had happened when other members had left the church. There were men who left the church because, we were told, they were submissive to their wives. There were women who left the church because, we were told, they wanted to wear pants and I don’t mean that figuratively. There were families that left the church because, we were told, they were racists and didn’t like all the Native Americans we had in the church. Of course, all the gossip was spread by the pastor and his wife to dissuade us from talking to them. Just to make sure, though, the pastor directed us to avoid those who had left the church. One of the most hurtful examples was when the man who led me to the Lord left the church. I was told that he was a drug addict and rebelling against the pastor and the Lord. I was told that he was leaving the church because of his drug addiction and he just refused to give up his drug use. I was heartbroken.



I had known the man for two years and never ever heard or suspected any kind of drug use. He was always level headed and lucid. I just couldn’t believe it. Of course I shouldn’t have because it was a lie. I still get sad about it today because I frankly knew in my heart of hearts that it couldn’t be true. Was the man on drugs? Well, if you consider being on prescription medications which were prescribed by a doctor for various psychological and physical ailments all of which were diagnosed by a doctor as being “on drugs,” then yeah, he was a complete dope head. If you are a thinking person, then you realize that the accusation of drug abuse was at best hyperbole and defamation of character at worst. So who knows what was said about my family when we left. I don’t know and I frankly don’t care. I knew that my circle of friends would get smaller. Those who believed what was said about me weren’t my friends to begin with and those who didn’t believe what was said about me were. I do know this. I almost changed my phone number and at one point, I considered putting a restraining order on many people I had once considered friends. That was the level of hatred directed toward my family. I did at one point call the pastor and explained to him that he needed to have another meeting with the people of his church. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if I had another phone call, letter or threat from his members, I would drop the hammer legally and if I ever saw any of his members near my family or myself that ambulances and possibly coroners would have to be called. I only have two cheeks to turn. Four if you include my butt. But know this: I will kill trying to protect my family if necessary even if I end up dead. Maybe it was the wrong tack to take, but the message got through and the harassment stopped. I’m sure I fed the gossip. I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. About a year later, all of us, those who had been members as well as those who were still members had the carpet pulled out from under us again. A man who still attended the church, a man who was a great friend of mine, a man whom I partially credit with my conversion to Christianity, sent a letter to every member of the church. His wife revealed to him that she had been having an affair with the pastor. In addition to that, the pastor had been simultaneously carrying on affairs with at least three other women that she knew of. It wasn’t long before the pastor resigned the church. But one of his “preacher boys” was called as the pastor of the church. Paul’s direction to Timothy in 1 Timothy 5:22 to “lay hands suddenly on no man” could not have been more relevant. Unfortunately, too much damage had been done in such a short period of time and there was so much debt that there was only one thing the congregation could do. The church was disestablished and all the church’s assets were sold to pay off debt. There frankly wasn’t much of a congregation left anyway. The membership had been decimated numerically and spiritually. At the end of it all, many, many people called to apologize to us for the way we had been treated. Many more did not. Many people left church altogether and never returned and their stories sounded much like Bill’s. The man who I give partial credit with my conversion to Christianity was the man who first invited me to church. He was the man who revealed the pastor’s infidelity. He divorced his wife, left the church and as far as I know neither he nor his wife ever went back to church again. Can you blame them? I would honestly be surprised if they ever darkened the door of another church ever again.



On the other hand, there were two other married women involved in this scandal. Both of those marriages miraculously survived. One of the couples still continues to attend a church to this day. The other? I don’t know. I lost touch with them. There were many other families that left church never to return. But there were many more that found another church and continued their walk with God. I even attended church with some of the refugees of that church. Our faith survived. I don’t know the exact numbers because I lost contact with many. I am sure there were many who were too embarrassed to reconnect with me thinking I hated them. There are those who probably think I am partially to blame for the downfall of the pastor, still adhering to that old “touch not mine anointed” way of thinking. So why am I writing all this? Part of it is therapeutic. Part of it is as a cautionary tale. Part of it is because I am going through a similar experience with another church I had to leave several years ago. Therapeutic because I held onto a lot of anger for many years. I went through periods of depression and questioning of faith. I became very judgmental and overly critical of Christians and churches. I don’t mean judgmental in the sense of determining if something is biblical or not. The Bible commands us to test those things. I mean judgmental in the sense of being annoyed at little things and thinking I could do better. I finally realized that I had to let the anger go. I had to forgive. I tried to get in touch with the pastor of that church. I tried to get in touch with his sons, both of whom are now in ministry. They have not returned my calls, e-mails or letters. I finally gave up trying to contact them. I understand why they don’t want to talk to me. I just wish I could let the pastor know that I forgive him. I have let all that go. I’m not angry anymore. I have to move on. By forgiveness, I don’t mean that I trust him to be in ministry anymore. While I can personally forgive him and move on, he still has to answer for his crimes and misbehavior. He is still in ministry and many pastors that support him have been called and warned. They refuse to hold him accountable simply because the pastor who fell refuses to admit that he did anything wrong. The cautionary tale part of this is that even though the pastor made decisions that led to his own downfall, there were things that happened within the church that were allowed to happen by the congregation. In fact, all of this could have been avoided if something as simple as a background check had been conducted before the man in question was even asked to be a candidate for the position of pastor. Regardless of who is asked to become the pastor of a church, the church is responsible for holding their pastor accountable. Accountable for his actions as well as what he teaches. The pastor is never above the law. The pastor is never above criticism. The pastor is never above questioning of any kind. Whatever the pastor says behind the pulpit is never above biblical scrutiny. If the pastor speaks from the pulpit and says something unbiblical, it is not only the right of the members of the church to address him lovingly and respectfully, it is their duty to do so. The love and respect is an important aspect because often times, pastors make mistakes unknowingly. They misspeak. If the pastor says something unbiblical from the pulpit, you call him out on it and he tells you that you have no right to do so, something is wrong and the Bible does direct how to deal with that situation. If the church will not support you in disciplining or removing the pastor, if necessary, then it’s time to move. The experience I am going through now is different because of my past experience. I am not angry, but sad and I have offered forgiveness for all who ask because I just need to move on and they do too.



I am not writing this because I think all or most pastors are bad. On the contrary, I think most pastors are good men trying to do God’s will. Even in churches that put pastors on pedestals, the pastor tries to dissuade his people from doing so. I am writing this because I can say, unfortunately, that I have been there. Because of moves required by the military and other reasons already mentioned, I have been the member of several churches. Most of them were good experiences. Two, unfortunately, were not. I have also visited a wide variety of churches. Most were good experiences and, likewise, a few were not. I am writing this because if you are in an abusive church situation, you don’t have to stay. I know how hard change is. The last church that I left, I frankly never should have joined. I was too eager and thought I could make it work because of the few positive things I saw there. There were indications of problems from the outset, but I stayed for four years because I was in the Navy and didn't want my family to be without a church home when I was on deployments. I know that even in an abusive church, families develop a support structure and that is so hard to leave. But it’s also not healthy to stay in an abusive church. It’s not healthy psychologically and because of that and sometimes other reasons, it’s not healthy physically. It certainly isn’t spiritually healthy. Leaving a church, even a bad church can be scary. Leaving the familiar always is. In Exodus, we read about Israel’s reluctance to leave Egypt even though they were slaves. After they left, when things got hard, they often looked back at Egypt and essentially said, “We sure do miss that place.” Finding a new church home is hard and it can take time. But along the way, you will make new friends and develop new support structures. You might be waiting for another family to leave, someone you know so that you will have someone you can leave with. But at the same time, your leaving might be the catalyst for change. Your leaving might be the push that another family or many families to admit that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. Your leaving might be the event that gives another family the courage to leave an abusive situation too. I need to add something else. Make sure that if you feel you need to leave the church you are attending that the problem is actually the church, the pastor, or the people and not yourself. If you are in an abusive situation and you are looking for someone to talk to or to pray with, please feel free to reach out to me. I’ll do everything I can to help. I'll even help you find a new church if necessary.